God is a Pennsylvania Republican

Pat Robertson was right. The citizens of Dover abandonded God, so now he lives in Reading.

State of the Union Address 2006 by D.S. Meyers

I’ve decided to nip this assignment in the bud. I’ve decided to plan ahead and write the president’s SOTU Address myself. That way, I can critique it all week and still go hit the movies on Tuesday night.

I’m sure my version will be fortified with enough language to cover the important stuff. He’ll probably talk about his health care concept, social security reform and how no child has been left behind and all that.

But really, do you honestly think he’s going to figure all that stuff out and fix it? Me neither. So I left all that junk out.

So here it is. State of the Union Address 2006. Written by D.S. Meyers:

(The speaker of the house asks permission to let in the resident of the United States). Unless the powers that are supposed to respond are asleep, the POTUS will saunter in with swagger, nodding to various applauders).

“My fellow Americans, today I come before you and report on the state of the nation. This past year, we have faced many challenges. (Add graphic of president’s approval rating).

We have seen the destructive force of nature and the terrible devastation it brings. Many Americans have been faced with the annihilation of their homes. We’ve seen whole cities and towns laid to waste. As a nation, we were moved by the images of cats and dogs stuck on rooftops. And we mobilized as one.

Together, we work to rebuild the landmarks. And it will serve to display our indomi- indomimim- indomitable spirit. (applause for president’s phonic recovery). But the road ahead will not be easy. And we need to stay on course with the rebuilding of the Gulf Coast.

Joining us this evening, we have survivors from New Orleans (nods to balcony where a tearful family holding a kitten and a puppy salutes the president - wait for applause to ebb and allow people to dab their misting eyes).

(Fill in the name) and his family; his wife (fill in the name) and two kids (name) and (name) and their special little friends (crowd giggles). They stand before us as the face of determination. And we will not fail them (whose names we need to fill in.) (applause).

We also continue to face the threat of tyranny. This shadow, which hangs over the country, is a continuing threat to the ideals and principles this nation cherishes (pan the audience as members roll their eyes, trying to remember what those ideal are).

We continue to meet the enemy overseas wherever he may hide. And we continue the work that we set out to do (applause). Many people question our reasons for being in Iraq. That is their choice (right-wingers boo, but then realize it looks like they are booing the president so they stop). But they cannot argue with our progress and with the sacrifices of our brave military men and women (once the word military is mentioned, crowd will applaud loudly or risk looking unpatriotic).

And at home, we must sacrifice as well. We must face an enemy that hides in our midst and threatens to destroy the very way of life that shelters them with freedom. We do this by being ever-vigilant. We do this by never forgetting the terrible destruction that they brought on us and the lives they ruthlessly stole on September 11, 2001.

We do this by hunting down these terrorist killers within our borders. It requires me to make difficult decisions in regard to rights and liberty (and all that other crap). And I hear the voices that debate my decisions (camera pans elsewhere while the president snickers at an inside joke on wiretapping).

I have no objection to the thoughts and concerns they pose. But when it comes to national security, every American will know that I will err on the side of protecting America (applause and possibly some dissenting groans). I only ask that these voices of dissent understand that they jeopardize our national security (pan to security agent hawkishly watching someone who isn’t applauding).

We must never forget that freedom and democracy are privileges. These privileges come with a price. We must make sacrifices to ultimately protect the sanctity of the Conskitution (crowd pretends not to notice the mispronunciation). Compared with the sacrifices our brave men and women in uniform make, what is being asked of America is minuscule. (Pan to crowd as people nod in agreement to avoid looking unpatriotic).

Tomorrow, I will ask members of Congress and members of the Senate to continue their support of the Patriot Act (Cut to the president’s secretary circling the words “working vacation” in a date book). Under this provision, which passed through both houses (the White House and the ranch house), I will continue to use my powers to protect this nation.

Thank you, and God bless America” (thunderous applause with network voiceover saying “And so the president concludes his speech. He came in tonight with an agenda. He addressed his next obstacle, which is the illegal wire tapping. Let’s go to our spin analyst…”).

Thanks for reading. By the way, if I don’t get hired to write Bush’s speeches, I’m going to hire myself out to write 5th grade book reports.

Shoot... Pray... Watch TV

Editorial cartoon gains legitimacy by masquerading as quiz on respected blog.

Who is "You're So Vain" About?

Rolling Stone - 1973
RS: Some people think "You're So Vain" is about James.
Carly: No, it's definitely not about James, although James suspected that it might be about him because he's very vain. No, he isn't, but he had the unfortunate experience of taking a jet up to Nova Scotia after I’d written the song. He was saved by the fact that it wasn’t a Lear.
RS: You mentioned the "contest" going on about who it's about. What would be the clearest statement you would want to make on who the song was about?
Carly: The contest is run by this man in Los Angeles named Winkler, and he had his listeners call in to cast their ballot as to who they thought the song was about. Kris Kristofferson is leading.
A lot of people think it's about Mick Jagger and that I have fooled him into actually singing on it, that I pulled that ruse. And some of the people think it's about James. But I can't possibly tell who it's about because it wouldn't be fair.
The Washington Post - 1983
WP: Who was ‘You’re So Vain about? Mick Jagger?
Carly: No.
WP: Warren Beatty?
Carly: It certainly sounds like it was about Warren Beatty. He certainly thought it was about him - he called me and said thanks for the song….
WP: You had gone with him?
Carly: Hasn’t everybody?
WP: No.
Carly: That only means you haven’t met him, though at the time I met him he was still relatively undiscovered as a Don Juan. I felt I was one among thousands at that point – it hadn’t reached, you know, the populations of small countries….
This Morning - 1995
Mark McEwen: How did you get Mick Jagger to sing on You're So Vain?
Carly: I guess it was kind of chance in a way. I was in London, it was 1972 and he happened to call at the studio while I was doing the background vocals with Harry Nilsson. Mick said "Hey, what cha doin'?" and I said "We're doing some backup vocals on a song of mine....why don't you come down and sing with us?"
So Mick and Harry and I stood around the mike singing you're so vain and Harry was such a gentleman - he knew the chemistry was between me and Mick; in terms of the singing, so he sort of bowed out saying "The two of you have a real blend - you should do it yourselves."
And that's how it happened.
MM: So, who is You're So Vain about?
Carly: I don't know.
MM: We've heard it was Warren Beatty. It was Mick Jagger. But you've never really said who it was.
Carly: Yeah.
Pure Oxygen - 2000
PO: Warren Beatty or Mick Jagger?
Carly: Neither
PO: You're kidding me?
Carly: I may be kidding you.
PO: You won't tell?
Carly: No, I won't tell.....well, it's certainly not, not about Warren.
Sunday Morning - 2001
Rita Braver: Everyone thinks You're So Vain is about Mick Jagger.
Carly: Oh, they don't really think that.
RB: Yes - they do.
Carly: Okay.
RB: Is it?
Carly: Oh, no, no, no.
RB: And then I read it might be about Warren Beatty?
Carly: Oh, you know, don't listen to what other people tell you.
RB: Well, do you want to solve that mystery for me?
Carly: You know, I could never really solve it because if I did, then no one would have anything to talk to me about.

CNN - People In The News - 2004
Paula Zahn : Long ago, you once admitted that it could potentially be a composite of a number of men that were dear to you in your life. Whether that be Mick Jagger, Warren Beatty or maybe even a little bit of James Taylor in there?
Carly: Well, I guess for those who are interested in clues - the name of the person it was about had an "E" in it.
PZ: Oh, well thank you...that's very helpful Carly. That could be Mick, Warren or James. We still have the same three in the pot.
Carly: Maybe I could disclose another letter. OK, it also has an "A".
PZ: (Laughter) Ok, we'll be asking you about this for the next thirty years.
Carly: Well listen, two vowels ain't bad!
USA Today - June, 2005
"It's about Mark Felt!" Simon, 59, joked by phone Wednesday from her home in Martha's Vineyard, referring to the former FBI official who has said he was Deep Throat. You're So Vain was a No. 1 hit in January 1973, six months after the Watergate break-in that led to President Nixon's downfall.
But unlike the Watergate principals, Simon says she'll never reveal the answer, not even when she or the song's subject dies. "I don't see why I ever would. What would it advance? I wrote that song in the days when people kept confidences to themselves, whereas now, people expose them so easily and readily for the benefit of their next movie sale."
She finds it "bizarre" that fans are still speculating about her lyrics three decades later. "If people knew who it was to begin with, it might not have become a hit."

Xavier to Host "Day of Dialogue" on Iraq

Xavier University will host a "Day of Dialogue on Iraq" featuring Ray McGovern, a former analyst with the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency for 27 years, and Adeed Dawisha, a professor of political science at Miami University.

The free program will be from 9:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. Feb. 4 in Kelley Auditorium in Alter Hall; participants are encouraged to make reservations by calling (513) 579-8547 or e-mailing Kristen@ijpc-cincinnati.org.

[The Post]

Whaddaya Think

Interesting to look at the statements released by the Dem party after Gov. Taft's State of the State address:

"Budgets are moral documents. As Democrats, we fight for the values of Ohio's working families: good-paying jobs, quality public schools, affordable higher education, and access to health care for every child and every adult. The Taft, Bush, DeWine team has it backwards. They cut health care funding to pay for tax cuts for the rich. They cut student loans and lavish money on corporate giveaways. They use our tax dollars to help outsource our jobs. Their budgets speak loud and clear: Republican leadership bows to the wants of multinational corporations and big campaign donors. It is time for state and federal budgets to reflect our family values. It is time for change." -Sherrod Brown, U.S. Senate Candidate
"As the disgraceful Taft administration finally comes to a close, it is time for the Governor to be honest about the true State of the State here in Ohio. His remarks won't bring jobs back to the state, improve our under-funded and failing schools, clean up the Republican culture of corruption in Columbus or ensure a better life for Ohioans that are struggling to make ends meet. Bob Taft, Mike DeWine and the Republican Party lack the backbone, credibility and vision to make the right decisions for Ohio. The hard working men and women of this state are sick and tired of being sick and tired. They want real change, right now and deserve real leadership not more rhetoric from another corrupt career politician," -Paul Hackett, U.S. Senate Candidate

If you took one statement as DNA and compared, Major Hackett has his work cut out for him.

What do you think?

CinAd's Saturday Music Run Down

Saturday January 14th:Saturday Night Music:
alchemize: DV80s
Northside Tavern: Infinite Number of Sounds, Meadoe
Comet: Moonlight Towers, B Movie Star
Copper's on Main: The Box Social, the Stapletons
Poison Room: The Newbees w/ Whitney B. & The Shirts
Mad Frog: Grand Oversoul, Rumpke Mt. Boys

How NOT to Market the Bengals

Someone needs to beef up either their humor or marketing skills.

The Cincinnati Bengals Authentic NFL Right Wing Long Sleeve T-Shirt.

Symphony's College Night is Music to Not-Yet-Rich Ears

Cincinnati has one of the oldest and most acclaimed symphony orchestras in America. And this weekend, the CSO making itself available to students' ears for the ridiculously low price of $10. They're even throwing a party afterwards (free food, prizes, and cash bar).

Todd Portune and Tyrone Yates Get It

The Enquirer's political blog offers further evidence that Republicans basically consider government to be a grant source for private business interests.

Kudos to Commissioner Portune and Rep. Yates for understanding what government really is and for involving citizens in the process.

Bearcats Also Hurt by Knee Injury

Things are tough for Cincinnati teams all around. The Enquirer has this article online and a few others in the print edition about Palmer's knee injury and knee injuries in general.

And UC senior Armein Kirkland also tore his ACL, so he's out for the season as well. And this just as the AP poll placed UC at 25th.

Still think they were going after Carson?

The Enquirer did a little poll about it and Bengal fans are furious, hurt... scared.

It was heart breaking to see quarter back go down 3 minutes into the game on Sunday.
Bengals fans had the same stunned look that UC fans had when Kenyan Martin broke his leg in 2000, which can be likened more universally to seeing your dog getting hit by a car when you are a child. The brain isn't ready.

But time has shown us that it happens. And in football, it happens a lot more than the other big three in the US.

There have been suggestions that Steelers lineman (and former Bengal) Kimo von Oelhoffen was gunning for Carson. In such a heated matchup, if you hadn't seen it, the accusation could carry some real suspicion. However those who did see it--or the 50 gut wrenching times it was replayed--saw the remorse in von Oelhoffen's face and motions.There may have been some dirty plays on that field, but that wasn't one of 'em.

The irony is that the last playoff game the Bengals franchise participated in, way back when the original Browns were still in Cleveland and before 4 existing teams were even a glint in big businessmen's eyes, Bo Jackson, superstar on the other team took his last handoff ever.

"The Raiders went 12-4, won their division and entered the playoffs with a first round bye. In the divisional playoffs Bo started the game with a few big runs. However his last carry was one that I feel hurt the Raiders for ten years. Bo dislocated his hip but some of the blood supply to his hip was cut off.
The bone quickly died and Bo was forced to get hip-replacement surgery and his football career was over forever."

So, I have 2 thoughts. At least Palmer didn't meet that fate, and we won't have to watch Kitna run around like he has a blindfold on in Denver.

Play on Playas

The Carnegie Galaries (Covington) Opening Reception Tonight

CARNEGIE GALLERIES OPENING RECEPTION
Friday, January 6, 2006 6pm – 9pm
CARNEGIE GALLERIES presents “Warm Up at The Carnegie!” Gallery Opening Reception & Exhibition featuring “Contemporary Quilts” group show by the A.R.T. Quilt Group. Beautiful contemporary art on display in 5 galleries.
General admission $8.00, Free to members
Hors d’oeurves, Live Jazz and Hot Chocolate!
Click for more information.

He's Right... He Did Possibly Save Some Lives

When Nick Spencer says that he may have saved a few lives in his constant asking the City and Police to shut down the Crack house across from Alchemize Bar on Walnut St., he's absolutely right. The prostitution and drugs that ran around that place is, without a doubt, going to kill everyone involved.

Now, it is not to say that everyone, or anyone involved will ever recover from the terrible affliction of drug abuse or the psychological and/or emotional scaring that leads to prostitution, but Nick would not enable, which frankly, would have been easier.

So, what's your New Years resolution?