State of the Union Address 2006 by D.S. Meyers

I’ve decided to nip this assignment in the bud. I’ve decided to plan ahead and write the president’s SOTU Address myself. That way, I can critique it all week and still go hit the movies on Tuesday night.

I’m sure my version will be fortified with enough language to cover the important stuff. He’ll probably talk about his health care concept, social security reform and how no child has been left behind and all that.

But really, do you honestly think he’s going to figure all that stuff out and fix it? Me neither. So I left all that junk out.

So here it is. State of the Union Address 2006. Written by D.S. Meyers:

(The speaker of the house asks permission to let in the resident of the United States). Unless the powers that are supposed to respond are asleep, the POTUS will saunter in with swagger, nodding to various applauders).

“My fellow Americans, today I come before you and report on the state of the nation. This past year, we have faced many challenges. (Add graphic of president’s approval rating).

We have seen the destructive force of nature and the terrible devastation it brings. Many Americans have been faced with the annihilation of their homes. We’ve seen whole cities and towns laid to waste. As a nation, we were moved by the images of cats and dogs stuck on rooftops. And we mobilized as one.

Together, we work to rebuild the landmarks. And it will serve to display our indomi- indomimim- indomitable spirit. (applause for president’s phonic recovery). But the road ahead will not be easy. And we need to stay on course with the rebuilding of the Gulf Coast.

Joining us this evening, we have survivors from New Orleans (nods to balcony where a tearful family holding a kitten and a puppy salutes the president - wait for applause to ebb and allow people to dab their misting eyes).

(Fill in the name) and his family; his wife (fill in the name) and two kids (name) and (name) and their special little friends (crowd giggles). They stand before us as the face of determination. And we will not fail them (whose names we need to fill in.) (applause).

We also continue to face the threat of tyranny. This shadow, which hangs over the country, is a continuing threat to the ideals and principles this nation cherishes (pan the audience as members roll their eyes, trying to remember what those ideal are).

We continue to meet the enemy overseas wherever he may hide. And we continue the work that we set out to do (applause). Many people question our reasons for being in Iraq. That is their choice (right-wingers boo, but then realize it looks like they are booing the president so they stop). But they cannot argue with our progress and with the sacrifices of our brave military men and women (once the word military is mentioned, crowd will applaud loudly or risk looking unpatriotic).

And at home, we must sacrifice as well. We must face an enemy that hides in our midst and threatens to destroy the very way of life that shelters them with freedom. We do this by being ever-vigilant. We do this by never forgetting the terrible destruction that they brought on us and the lives they ruthlessly stole on September 11, 2001.

We do this by hunting down these terrorist killers within our borders. It requires me to make difficult decisions in regard to rights and liberty (and all that other crap). And I hear the voices that debate my decisions (camera pans elsewhere while the president snickers at an inside joke on wiretapping).

I have no objection to the thoughts and concerns they pose. But when it comes to national security, every American will know that I will err on the side of protecting America (applause and possibly some dissenting groans). I only ask that these voices of dissent understand that they jeopardize our national security (pan to security agent hawkishly watching someone who isn’t applauding).

We must never forget that freedom and democracy are privileges. These privileges come with a price. We must make sacrifices to ultimately protect the sanctity of the Conskitution (crowd pretends not to notice the mispronunciation). Compared with the sacrifices our brave men and women in uniform make, what is being asked of America is minuscule. (Pan to crowd as people nod in agreement to avoid looking unpatriotic).

Tomorrow, I will ask members of Congress and members of the Senate to continue their support of the Patriot Act (Cut to the president’s secretary circling the words “working vacation” in a date book). Under this provision, which passed through both houses (the White House and the ranch house), I will continue to use my powers to protect this nation.

Thank you, and God bless America” (thunderous applause with network voiceover saying “And so the president concludes his speech. He came in tonight with an agenda. He addressed his next obstacle, which is the illegal wire tapping. Let’s go to our spin analyst…”).

Thanks for reading. By the way, if I don’t get hired to write Bush’s speeches, I’m going to hire myself out to write 5th grade book reports.